What I’ve Been Avoiding

I started this blog over a year ago in order to express my feelings on an event that would have caused me to cry if I had told it out loud. So it would be wrong of me to ignore blogging about the things that do make me cry – the things that one typically doesn’t read in a study abroad blog where everything is all travel and butterflies.

France is amazing. I’m speaking French every day – heck I’m even thinking in French! When I’m speaking English, French words accidentally pop out of my mouth and it’s absolutely wonderful. I eat baguettes for breakfast, strange French dishes like cow tongue for lunch, and croissants and pain suisse for French snacktime almost every day. I commuted to my internship past the Eiffel Tower for the last two months!

The Louvre will always be my favorite museum.
The Louvre will always be my favorite museum.

I’ve become more independent here and that’s wonderful. So I spend a lot of time by myself here. I tour museums by myself, eat lunch by myself, plan trips by myself, and shop by myself.

The truth of why I haven’t been blogging as much this semester as the last one? Besides the fact that I truly have been extremely busy with my internship these last few months, I’ve been lonely. There. I said it. It’s out.

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I don’t want to get into the details. My friends back home would just tell me to be more social, but somehow I feel that it’s not that simple. Long story short, I just don’t have a friend niche here. Who knows? Maybe that’ll change in the two months I have left, maybe it won’t. It’s not something that started this semester with the new group of students – just something I’ve been gradually feeling for the last six or seven months.

I have a friend back home who a year ago called me stupid for wanting to study abroad for the whole year. They constantly brought up the subject, arguing against the idea vehemently – until one day I became angry with them and told them straight up to stop insulting my lifetime dream of studying abroad in France. They agreed to stop bringing it up, but being the stubborn person that they are, told me that I would regret going abroad for the whole year before shutting up.

Study Abroad isn’t perfect. It’s a learning experience through and through. But do I regret it? No. I’ll never regret it.

I love this city.
I love this city.

I still love France. If anything this year has just made me love it more. But aside from France, culture, and the French language, this year has had its fair share of struggles. All of which I’m learning and growing from, with independence and learning to be okay with being lonely among the most important.

Thanks for listening.

I’ll go finish my Scotland blog now I promise!

And if you’re someone on my study abroad program reading this…

giphy (1)
Uh… Hi?

Busy girls who appear to have their life together since they’ve been here all year need love too okay?

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9 thoughts on “What I’ve Been Avoiding”

  1. You are brave and wonderful and fierce! These feelings are very common for anyone who is starting a new job in a new city or going off to university for the first time or stay home when all your friends move away. This is part of what it means to grow up and you are handling it with grace and humor. I am so proud of you and love the person you are becoming!

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  2. I applaud your bravery in writing about the topic all of us feel, some admit to, and, in terms of frequency, few expose. Just because I can’t not say it, I want to offer you some empathy that, although for me it’s only been 3 months, I’ve also felt lonely at times in varying degrees. The friend situation is also very underrated in terms of difficulty. I’ve been adjusting to a very different type of social life from my home one, made of about 90% alone time and 10% hang out time with flatmates, a couple uni friends, and various acquaintancey friends I’ve met through trips and concerts. It’s so easy to get caught up in every studying abroad person’s blog that’s filled with happy posts and libraries of friends that have obviously left out the real, nitty-gritty details of life. Yours is different, and you deserve recognition for that. Thank you, sincerely!

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  3. You are leading a full life and life lived is full of emotions. Remember your experiences at the opera. Try another and get immersed in it. Let it be the cure.
    Love your blogs.
    Aunt Ethel

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  4. You´re brave to follow your dream and take the risk of discovering the not so shiny, happy sides of going abroad. Maybe life in Paris isn´t as idyllic and idealized as you might have imagined , which I don´t know, but I admire you for making your dream a reality. Even more so if your friends at home weren´t all supportive. You can be proud of yourself. All the best for your remaining time in the big city.

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  5. Emily: we love you! You are a special person and you have already had some experiences that most others will not have in a long lifetime. I wish I could get over and be with you for a few days. Both Billie and I have written letters to you which I will mail this afternoon… mine includes comments about Ireland. Keep up the good work, and pursue your dream.
    Grandpa

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